I Shouldn't Say Lovely
by Auttzthoughtz
Summary: Merlin's gotten a habit of unthinkingly calling Arthur lovely. The things he does, or even just blurting it out on occasion. When he gets back from a rather long vacation home, they both have to re-evaluate what it means for Merlin to say that. Some Smut. SLASH. Merthur. Enjoy!


"I should but I shouldn't," Merlin says to Gwen nervously.

Gwen chuckles. "He's not going to kill you, Merlin."

"But, um, it's just…maybe he just won't notice?" Merlin asks as he paces across the room.

Gwen puts her hand on his arm. "Hey, relax, Arthur is pretty dim-witted sometimes. He might not even notice that you have brought anyone back home from this trip…let alone figuring out that the person you've brought back around is your boyfriend. Your decently attractive boyfriend, I might add."

"Why thank you, Gwen," Gwaine says, coming up and wrapping his arms around his Merlin. "And don't you worry, Merlin. I won't give Princess any reason to get his panties tied up in a bunch. I will let you be during the work days. Hey, who knows, maybe I will get a job in Camelot soon."

"You are utterly and completely ridiculous," Merlin says, chuckling in his lovely boyfriend's arms.

Gwaine shrugs, turning Merlin to face him and smirking. "That's why you love me."

"_Mer_lin!" A shout of Arthur's is heard from the next corridor over, repeating the young sorcerer's name over and over as news has come to Arthur that his servant is back on the premises. "MERLIN!"

"I guess I better let you go now," Gwaine said softly, leaning forward to kiss Merlin once gently. "I will see you tonight then, at the pub?"

Merlin smiles shyly. "I don't know if I will be there soon, but Gwen will keep you company surely until Arthur has run out of chores for me to do."

Gwaine reaches out his arm to Gwen and they start running away, laughing. Merlin is laughing too when Arthur reaches the corner. Arthur follows Merlin's gaze and seems to be shocked by what he sees. "Who is that man with Gwen?"

"That's a…friend of mine, from back home," Merlin says softly. "I've asked Gwen to keep him company while you keep me busy all day, if you don't mind."

"Why would I mind?" Arthur snapped back.

Merlin chuckled. "For no reason my dear prat. Come on, let it out, what do I need to do now?"

"I've wanted to ask something of you," Arthur says in a low tone. "Can you come with me?"

Merlin nods and they proceed on until they are behind the closed door of Arthur's chambers. "Now, I just, is he something more than a friend to you?"

Merlin went into a bit of shock, unsure how to answer that. "I…uh, well, um…the thing is…"

"It's a really simple question, Merlin," Arthur asks softly, putting his hand on his servant's shoulder. "Is he your boyfriend?"

Merlin, dumbfounded, just nods. Arthur's face turns to a troubling expression as he turns away. "Shouldn't you be glad, clotpole? I could tell watching Gwen and Gwaine run off together was bothering you."

"I missed you," Arthur said calmly. "It's really stupid, because I don't miss people often. When people leave they leave and that's that…but when you left to go travel, I wasn't sure you were going to want to come back for reasons like this 'Gwaine' person. I don't want to take you away from having a life, but Merlin, I need you here."

"Yes, yes, because you are a lazy sod," Merlin says, chuckling. "I know, my lovely prat, we have so much to take care of."

"Lately, you've been calling me lovely. Around the same time my responsibilities became higher as I earned a kingship," Arthur responded, smiling softly. "Do you do that to make something a little more light-hearted?"

"I don't even notice half the time, to be completely honest, that I'm doing it," Merlin says absentmindedly, trying to think about how many times that has happened lately. He's shocked to find just how often the occurrences are towards that sort of thing.

"How long have you been seeing this…Gwaine, is it?" Arthur asked quietly.

"Yes, it's Gwaine. And, uh, I don't know actually…it's been a decent amount of time though," Merlin shrugged it off. "Well, enough about me and my relationship how were you while I was gone? How many chores do I have to catch up on?"

"Loads," Arthur responded, laughing. "But, just one thing first," Arthur said as he held out his arms and pulled Merlin into a hug.

"This is," Merlin says as he wraps his arms around Arthur, "Yes, this is definitely strange. What the hell happened while I was away? Did I magically become lovely? I shouldn't joke about magic, no, that's probably a bad idea, and-"

Arthur pulled away and kept his hands on Merlin's arms. "Merlin, when do you ever shut up?"

"I suppose towards the vicinity of the same amount of time that you are all emotional and touchy-feely like this," Merlin responded. "Okay, so are you keeping my arms down so I don't hit you for the amount of work you've left for me after my time away?"

"No," Arthur spoke softly. "I just, um, well, did you want the night off tonight?"

Merlin blinked, dumbfounded. "I, uh, I don't know. I don't want to get too behind on my work and-"

"It's fine, I didn't leave you hell. I mostly wanted to just talk to you for a couple minutes. Like I said, I missed you," Arthur replied slowly.

"I missed you too, clotpole," Merlin said, smiling brightly. "Now, be serious, what are my chores for today?"

"I could use a bath, and the swords need to be polished, and – Merlin, why are you laughing?" Arthur asked.

"I can tell you need a bath," Merlin said, laughing lightly. "I've been gone for a few days. You couldn't trust any of the handmaids, huh? Alright, well, first is first."

"You are," Arthur tried to begin.

Merlin chuckled. "I am fantastic, but I can't do anything much for you unless you let go of my arms."

"Can I ask you one more thing, and then I will let you go?" Arthur said shyly.

"Of course, yeah, just make it quick," Merlin said, completely oblivious to the look in Arthur's eyes.

Arthur took a deep breath, leaned forward, and before any of them could think another thing against it Arthur was kissing Merlin. Merlin was trying to process it. He didn't understand, he wasn't sure if he wanted to understand, but he wanted to respond. And so he did. They kissed, grasping on tightly to each other as Arthur's hands moved to Merlin's waist and clawed him closer and Merlin's fingers were tangled in Arthur's hair and then it wasn't until they parted for air that Merlin smacked away Arthur's arms and walked away. He closed his eyes tight. "You are such a stupid prat."

"I, I'm sorry, that was inappropriate," Arthur replied softly.

"You think? I am in a fantastically perfect relationship with a perfect guy and here you come along, someone who misses me but can't acknowledge me in public as even a friend because of status and I just – I'm sorry, Arthur, I need some air," Merlin said, practically hurrying out the door. Then he stopped, sighed, and turned around. "My lips are swollen, aren't they?"

Arthur laughed softly and nodded. "Yes, I am afraid they are. You might have to stay in for a while. You want me to go fetch the bath?"

"I, uh, yeah," Merlin said softly.

Arthur frowned, hating to see his Merlin upset. "You can just sit down or lay down or something, I didn't mean to impose – I just, and you were kissing me back and I didn't think. I'm sorry Merlin."

Merlin moved over to Arthur's bed slowly and curled up under the covers. He smiled up at Arthur. "Just because I am mad at you doesn't mean I am missing this opportunity. Your bed is far more comfortable than my cot."

"Have a good nap, I will wake you when I get back," Arthur replied softly. "Do you mind if I join you at the pub, with everyone, later this evening?"

"I, uh, I suppose I couldn't say no to that," Merlin said, smiling sleepily and yawning once before curling himself into the sheets and falling asleep.

Arthur laughed. "Goodnight Merlin, my lovely idiot."

oOo

"Merlin," Gwaine whispered as he sat beside where Merlin lay sleeping on the bed. "Come on, love, you have to wake up eventually.

Merlin squirmed a bit, groaning. He spoke muffled words into the pillows. "Five more minutes."

Gwaine chuckles. "Come on, it's already nightfall, and Arthur promised you the night off."

Merlin's eyes snapped open. "I slept through the whole day and he didn't come kick me out of the bed?"

"Arthur thought that might be a little bit of a rude awakening, so he sent me in instead. He seemed adamant on coming along tonight, but I think the bloke will need some help getting ready first, he smells like the stables if you catch my drift," Gwaine says whole-heartedly.

Merlin sat up slowly, with Gwaine's helping hands. "Alright, I should probably get up then, before I get tempted to sleep the night through here," Merlin smiled, patting his free hand on the sheets. "It's far too comfortable. I shouldn't get used to something so lovely."

"So did he do something wrong or did you do something extraordinary? Ah, you know what. We'll chat about it when you get down to the tavern with Arthur. I'm sure you have some work to get done, to, you know, make up for snoring out the day," Gwaine said, getting up. "I just wanted to come by and say hello. I really just, yeah, I love you."

Merlin smiled sweetly. "I love you too. Now go on ahead, make some friends, I will be down to the tavern soon enough. The knights here are friendly, go on ahead and have some fun for me."

"But not too much fun, right?" Gwaine asked with a wink. "Wouldn't want to make it awkward. I am very handsome, and I am sure there are some handsome knights," Gwaine joked.

"You are joking now, but I seriously think I could lose you at the drop of a dime," Merlin said quietly.

"I love _you_, okay? No amount of hunky monkey is going to change that," Gwaine said, leaning forward to kiss Merlin on the forehead before heading out the door. "Oh, I will have to ask you later about how good a kisser the king of Camelot is. Ciao!"

Merlin stared with wide eyes as he left. Gwaine didn't look angry. But how would he even – "Arthur!"

"Hi," Arthur said, coming inside after Gwaine had already made his way down the hall.

Merlin narrows his eyes. "What did you say to Gwaine?"

"I apologized for making a move on his boyfriend, which he graciously shook off and accepted the apology. So yeah, that's with the question," Arthur said, staring at his feet. "I'm sorry."

"I can't believe you," Merlin yelled at Arthur, standing up from the bed and walking over, getting the bath ready quickly. When he was behind the bath-fold, he whispered to himself. "I can't believe me."

"Now I get why you can't believe my behavior, but what's so wrong with your own?" Arthur asks, casually leaning on the wall behind Merlin.

Merlin goes over and shuts the door to Arthur's quarters. Then he walks back to Arthur, stripping him of armor and clothing piece by piece. "Because even though you are a clotpole, and a prat, and you shouldn't have done any of this and made things confusing when I had finally started working past the idea that you'd so much look at me that way, I am so stupid. Why can't I just be happy with Gwaine and be angry at you for kissing me and not be thinking instead that everything about today had been so freaking lovely, because I don't get it. I guess you are right, I really am just an idiot."

"Merlin, are you crying?" Arthur asked softly as Merlin finished away at the last of his armor.

Merlin sighed. "Just, will you shut up for once? I already feel ridiculous enough as it is."

Arthur shook his head. "No. Please, just stop crying. What can I do to make it stop?" Merlin yanked away Arthur's shirt. He looked back up at Arthur's eyes as he undid his pants and pushed them out of the way as well, guiding him to step out of them and over into the tub. "Merlin?"

"Just stop talking," Merlin said as he started working soap through Arthur's hair with his fingers.

Arthur did as he was asked and kept his mouth shut as Merlin scrubbed first his scalp, and then washed the rest of his body slowly. When Merlin was done washing Arthur, he got up and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around Arthur's waist as he stood up in the tub and helped him get out.

"Would you," Arthur began, waiting until he had Merlin's attention. Merlin looked up at him, a very sad look in his eyes. "Would you hit me if I kissed you again, or would you just say I was lovely?"

"Please," Merlin pleaded weakly.

Arthur didn't need any more confirmation. He reached forward and took Merlin's lips as his own again, this time cutting more to the chase and deepening the kiss almost instantly, something that Merlin hated to admit even to himself that he appreciated. Arthur moved his hand down and cupped Merlin's already grown arousal, massaging it ever so slightly, earning a moan from the brunette.

They broke apart from the kiss, and Arthur smiled a crooked smile. "May I?"

Merlin just nodded as he was guided back to the bed, a smile replacing his tears. Arthur guided Merlin to lay down on the bed underneath him. Arthur first simply reached his hand under Merlin's clothes and grasped his member, pulling his hand and gripping tight across it, earning moans from his friend. Next he used his one hand, with the help of Merlin's hands, to yank away at the younger man's clothes.

Arthur kissed first down Merlin's face, then stopping not-so-lightly to bite and suck at the servant's neck, earning multiple quiet moans. Merlin wore scarves. It would be okay, perhaps. He kept working his way kissing down Merlin's body until he reached the boy's incredibly hard penis. He licked under the hard shaft, earning a shuddering moan from Merlin underneath him.

"Don't tease," Merlin choked out between moans.

Arthur chuckled, reaching down and swallowing his member whole. Merlin bit his lip to keep from moaning and held one of his hands in Arthur's hair to keep him in place, and one on a pillow (which by the end of this feat, he's ripped in half). Arthur sucked down and licked and hummed until Merlin was ready to be finished. Merlin tugged a bit on Arthur's hair to let him know he was close, but Arthur wasn't going anywhere and latched his mouth harder while he held down Merlin's hips. Merlin came, and Arthur sucked up everything he had to offer before popping off of Merlin's member and slowly hovering up his body.

"Are you angry at me?" Arthur asked quietly, taking in the look on his new lover's face.

Merlin shakes his head, fighting back more tears. "No, I'm angry at me."

Arthur rolls off of Merlin and lies beside him instead, watching over as he doesn't ask for anything in return. He just lets himself think calming thoughts until he's decent, and then he pulls Merlin in for a warm embrace. "I think I love you. But at the same time, I hate seeing you like this. You cry in pain because you feel guilt to what we are doing."

"I was," Merlin started, shaking as he held tightly around Arthur. "I am in love with you. But I thought was a an 'I was' and nothing would come of it and know I am in love with someone else, and I can't be asked to just choose between the two of you because it's not fair and it's painful and I worked so hard to not have to feel like this."

"Let's get you dressed, as you are already cleaned up," Arthur says as he helps Merlin back into his clothes. "You shouldn't say lovely, Merlin, it drives me crazy."

"It's perhaps a step or two away from love," Merlin says, chuckling with a sad humor as the last of his clothes are back on and they are ready to go. "Gwaine is a good man, and I do love him, and I can't abandon him. He's like – he's like if Will was a romantic partner to me. That would be the equivalent. He's from a time and part of me that is home, and I sorely need it. And he accepts parts of me you never could, and I just-"

"Can't walk away from that," Arthur says grimly. "I do understand, you know, sort of. Although telling me anything is a part of what makes us so special."

"I fucking break the law as a person existing, so can we not go about this bullshit?" Merlin says in an angry tone he's never held before, with words he never thought he'd say.

Arthur sighs. "You are being melodramatic, let's go."

"No, you know what? Do you really want to know what it is? I bet I'll either get murdered for it or sent away from Camelot, but for you Mr. Love-Sick-Puppy-Out-Of-Fucking-Nowhere, I will tell you. I am not only your fucking servant. I am your fucking protector. And why was I chosen for the gig? Because I, dear sir, am the most powerful sorcerer the world's ever seen," Merlin yelled. Then he saw the expression on Arthur's face and fell to tears. "I will be gone by morning, please, don't follow me."

oOo

Merlin ran and ran until he hit the tavern, and he found Gwaine, who he practically crashed into. He was a mess of sobs, and there was nothing Gwaine could do but just take his boyfriend into his arms and coo that it would be okay. Gwaine took him home after a bit of time, and after Merlin explained every little detail of his encounter with Arthur, Gwaine started crying too.

"How could you? Was all that love-talk just bullshit?" Gwaine asked harshly.

"No, no, of course not," Merlin said softly. "Please, please, please don't leave me too. I have to leave Camelot, you know that. Will you come home with me, forget of all this and start anew?"

"I am more precious than to be just a rebound to you, Merlin," Gwaine said sorely, a mental slap in Merlin's face. "I will stay and help you escape before light, but that's the end, and I don't want to see you anymore."

"I'm sorry you feel that way," Merlin said, muttering under his breath and letting his things fall into a bag for him to carry. "But I can help myself if that's the case, just leave."

"Merlin…" Gwaine said cautiously, now rethinking himself.

"Just GO," Merlin said, wracked with tears and sobs and shaking.

Gwaine tried for five more minutes to speak to Merlin, apologize even, but never take the words back. Merlin kept telling him to go, and finally he did leave, and so did Merlin.

The last thing Merlin remembers about that night was carving the word 'lovely' into the stars above Camelot accidentally as he ran to escape the confines of the palace.

oOo

Arthur didn't sleep that night. He didn't sleep for months after that. It was five months later, and he hadn't slept a wink. Gwaine was found to be of nobel blood and auditioned well to become a knight, and Merlin was long gone. And he couldn't chase him – it could cause a witch hunt.

But more than anything he wanted to, and finally after five months he got fed up and got on a horse in the night, watching as again the word 'lovely' was littered into the stars.

It was a three day trip, but once he got to Ealdor, he spotted Merlin immediately as he was working on the crops. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"Please, I begged you not to follow me," Merlin said tiredly. He looked like he hadn't slept either.

Arthur shook his head. "You spent every night taunting me to come, because isn't that message in the stars, isn't that for me?"

Merlin looked around carefully, giving a scolding look to Arthur as he grasped the prince's hand and dragged him into his house. "I'm not in the mood, Arthur, please. My mother had passed and no one told me, the town has been in ruins. And the last thing they need is for news to spread that a sorcerer is among them, because the whole town could be turned to dust."

"What happened to your mother?" Arthur asked softly, sitting on Merlin's cot and imploring the boy to join him.

"Kidnapped, murdered, the whole nine yards," Merlin said solemnly. "I miss her every day here, it's not the same in this grungy town without my mother and William."

Arthur took Merlin into his arms, coddling him softly. "I know it's the wrong time to say it, but you are just so lovely and extraordinary and strong and I've missed you and how lovely it was having you around and I can't sleep and I barely eat and even Gwaine misses you, though he's engaged now."

"Engaged to whom?" Merlin asks sadly.

Arthur takes a deep breath. "You were always worried about one of the knights taking him for themselves, Percival couldn't help himself after a month or two. They are disgustingly cute, it's horrifying."

"Kind of like how I used to be with him, hopefully this time goes better," Merlin whispers mostly to himself.

"There aren't enough things to say to make this better, are there?" Arthur asked quietly.

Merlin shook his head. But then he shifted his position in Arthur's lap to be straddling the prince, earning him a very confused look. "But there's something maybe we could do to help ease the pain," Merlin whispered as he leaned down and passionately kissed Arthur beneath him.

Arthur had tried to forget what it felt like, how it felt to be with Merlin, trying to just get over him. But he couldn't. Sorcerer or not, he loved Merlin too much. It was awful and addictive and perfect and altogether, well, lovely.


End file.
